A Few Things

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

So I have this whole list of topics to write a blog about, but the more I try the more I realize that many of these topics aren’t worth more than a sentence or two. So here’s a sentence or two on a whole bunch of things that are on my mind.

I re-subscribed to the local newspaper. After giving it up because I never read it, I found I missed having it around. Crazy, right? And besides that, after about eight weeks of cancellation the folks at the paper called me up to make me an offer I couldn’t refuse. So I didn’t refuse. The paper is once again being tossed somewhere near the front door each morning. Most days I still don’t read it because I read their summary e-mail online, but it is nice having it back.

I bought a new car, my first new car in almost ten years. It’s great. It has every doo-dad imaginable on it, which is right up my alley, as I am a gadget freak. Mr. Grumpy told me to let him know when I figured out how to operate the automatic blowjob device. I discovered quite by accident that it is voice activated.

I am reasonably certain that if you take a kid under the age of five, bundle her up on a cold day, and take her off to a parade, she will want to leave within three minutes of you finding the perfect place to stand and watch the festivities. As a bonus she will not appreciate anything she sees and she will be hungry.

Handicapped parking spaces have me fascinated. They occupy two regular parking spaces. Usually they are painted with the blue and white wheelchair symbol in one of the spaces and hash marks across the other. They are designed so that the user has a doublewide space in which to park his vehicle. Got a van with a wheelchair ramp to the left or the right? You can park to the appropriate side. Just need extra room to get yourself out the door? Then park right in the middle. And yet when was the last time you saw a vehicle with a handicapped tag parked anywhere but squarely in the single space with the wheelchair symbol?

In the 1950’s, children who talked all the time or ran around a lot and liked to do a dozen things all at once were referred to as “rambunctious” or “boisterous.” Now the pediatrician writes a prescription that sucks the life out of the kid so they sit quietly in a corner, stirring a cup of water with a spoon. By the way, we had pre-sweetened cereals back in the 1950’s, too.

If you want to start a fight with someone, ask him or her to define “hero.”

It’s a shame they decided to do away with the dollar coin (the fact that there are 1.4 billion of them sitting in bags at the Federal Reserve probably has something to do with the decision). In a few more years we could have just glued them to envelopes and used them as postage.

Okay, that’s it. We’ll do something different next week.