Grumpy Old Dog

Tracking Summary

2012-01-30T03:30:00.000-05:00

One final installment in the continuing saga of Google's new tracking policy. As stated, I downloaded Do Not Track Plus as did several regular readers. The software provides a button which shows just how many ad networks, companies or social sites are tracking the users visit to each website and gives you their names. Here is a list of those tracking me (and blocked) on one typical browsing day, visiting the sites I would normally visit in the course of a day.

Google Analytics
Facebook (124 sites blocked on each visit)
Dedicated Networks
Doubleclick
Eloqua
Webtrends
Microsoft Atlas
Microsoft Atlas Technology
Omniture
+1
Tuet
Google Adsense
Google Web Optimizer
Criteo
Google Friend Connect
Nielson
Doubleclick
Cnet Tracking
Quantcast
eXelite Media
YuMe Networks
BlueKai
Media6degrees
Turn
Mindset Media
Rightmedia
New Relic
Vibrant Medi
Gomez
CoreMetrics
Real Media
AdMeld
Comstone Beacon
FetchBack
Advertising.com
Collective
Tumri
Casale
Burst Media
ValueClick Media
Unica
Adxpute
Pubmatic
Forsee Results
AdNexus
Kontera ContentLink

Until I saw this list on paper I had assumed a "so what" stance on web tracking. When I see how many places are tracking my web browsing and gathering information about me, it starts to look a lot more sinister.

Fight Back

2012-01-27T03:30:00.000-05:00

It was first brought to my attention by fellow blogger Bill at My Journal, then The Big Guy expounded on it here yesterday. Google, not happy with tracking virtually everything we do on the internet, is going to expand their tracking. We get no say in the matter, no chance to opt out.

Except there is a way out. At least I think so. A company called Abine has a tool you can download for free that claims to block those who would track your every internet move. It's called Do Not Track Plus and can be found and downloaded here. The company claims that it works on Mac and PC, although only on Safari, Firefox and Chrome browsers.

I downloaded Do Not Track about two weeks ago and I'm assuming it works. How do you really know? It even inserts a little button at the top of your browser that shows how many companies are tracking you when you visit any website. Click on the button and it gives you details of who is doing the tracking. It seems that 90% of the tracking is being done by Google or some entity connected to Google.

I don't presume to know if this is 100% effective at blocking all tracking on my computer, but even if it blocks some tracking at least it gives me the feeling I'm fighting back.

No, You Can't See My I.D.

2012-01-26T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

On more than oneoccasion I have complained to you about the gathering of information and how wehave little to no control over what large corporations know about us and whatis available about us for others to seek out. Once a year, along with themonthly invoice from this department store, or that bank, or the local headshop I will find a notice included where they spell out in very legal and hardto understand terms my privacy rights and how important my privacy is to them.It is of little to no comfort.

My fight has degeneratedto crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I figure I’m winning as long assomeone doesn’t ring my doorbell one day and, upon my answering, announces thatHE is The Big Guy and for some reason I am living in his house and I need toget out immediately or he will call the police. And then he throws me to thecurb.

Yes, something new hascaused my concern. Our good friends at Google (the folks who run Blogger amongother things, thus making this absolutely free blog possible), those same finefolks who spent almost ten million dollars lobbying Congress in 2011 – almosttwice as much as they laid out in 2010, have decided to “adjust” their privacypolicy to track users activities across all of its services like Gmail, YouTube, Google Search, Blogger and whatever the heck else is in their sandbox.What does this mean? I have no idea.

Okay, maybe I do have anidea. For those of us who treasure a certain amount of anonymity on the greatwide web, the more things consolidate, the more likely that anonymity is goingto be compromised. Believe it or not The Big Guy is not my given name, but bytracking information from various sites that they control, it will bemilliseconds after midnight on March 1 when this all goes into effect thatGoogle will be able to see what The Big Guy searches for, what he watches onYou Tube, who he might be stalking on Google Maps and who he refuses to respondto via Gmail on any of the several different accounts he has opened over theyears, let alone his complaining about the hand that feeds him on his blog. Andagain, it’s not that they are going to do anything with the information. It’sjust that they have it – forever.

Someday maybe Googlewill buy my bank, or your bank, or your credit card company. Imagine how muchinformation they will have about you then. Hackers imagine that, too. It willmake identity theft one stop shopping. Pleasant dreams, Kaffee.

Hero Of The Week

2012-01-25T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Staff Sgt. Christopher Bunda
Age: 29
2nd Battalion
3rd Infantry
Died 25 January, 2004
Mosul, Iraq

2012-01-24T03:30:00.000-05:00

A Sad State Of Affairs

2012-01-23T03:30:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine works for a company that held a Job Fair this past weekend. Applicants came in all shapes, sizes and ages. After checking in each applicant was given a written math test with 10 questions. Here are two of the actual questions to give you an idea of the difficulty:

1. If an item is $3.95 retail, how much would it be after adding 6% sales tax?

2. If a customer gives you a five dollar bill for a sale of $4.97 and then gives you $.02, how much change do they get back?

Applicants who missed more than one question were considered to have failed the test and did not move on in the hiring process. Having to achieve 90% seemed like a pretty strict standard to me, but if the questions were not difficult and if you're hiring people who will be handling money, you want to have confidence in their math skills.

There were 113 total applicants; 32% failed the test. Nearly a third failed a test that a 4th or 5th grader should have passed. Here's the kicker: They had calculators. And 32% still couldn't pass. I'll leave the meaning to you.

I Don't Think I Want To Know

2012-01-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

Let's start by my admitting my addiction to all things lemony. Lemon squares, lemon meringue pie, lemon cookies, lemonade, lemon in my Corona. I just love the tart yet sweet taste of lemon. So I was out running some errands yesterday when I became overwhelmingly thirsty. I don't know why; it was 34 degrees and my only exertion was turning the steering wheel, but I craved something liquid and cold.

I zip into the next available convenience store and head for the coolers. There it is, almost calling out to me, a 20 oz. bottle of Country Time Pink Lemonade. Cheap compared to soft drinks, only $.99. I get back in the car, crack that baby open and take a couple big gulps before heading out of the lot. A couple of blocks away I hit a red light. While stopped I reached for the bottle and drank deeply again. Ahhhhh. Cold and refreshing.

At the next red light I reach over for the bottle and start reading the contents. Water, high fructose corn syrup, etc., etc., etc. All the usual suspects. Until about half way down there's one I hadn't noticed before on a food or beverage label. Ester of wood rosin. Say what? Does that sound right to you? Should any kind of wood rosin be in our food or drink? What else is it in? How much have I already consumed in my lifetime? Is it safe? Is it toxic? Why is it in there?

I was going to Google it when I got home, but you know what? I don't want to know. You look it up if it makes you happy. I'd rather not know.

The New Wild West

2012-01-19T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

Do you recognize today’sgraphic? If you were in high school during the sixties or seventiesor eighties or nineties, it should have jumped right out at you. Need a hint?Cliffs Notes. Okay, I was never very good at giving hints. No time to waste,which is of course the very raison d’être for Cliffs Notes.

But let’s not forgetthat we now reside in the twenty-first century. Things are different. Lots ofthings. I’m not just talking about the fact that televisions don’t need to“warm up” anymore. I’m talking about the fact that if you don’t want to read War and Peace or Adventures of Huckleberry Finn or Animal Farm, you don’t need to rush out and pick up a copy of theCliffs Notes the night before the book report is due. You can sit down at yourcomputer or any other Internet capable device you may have around the house andgo any number of places, like Wikipedia, and put yourself together somethingcertainly C+ worthy without ever cracking the binding of a book…or a bookletwith black and yellow stripes on the cover.

That is unless your bookreport was due today, because yesterday Wikipedia along with several otherwebsites went dark for the day in protest of new legislation. Media moguls areattempting to get Congress to pass a law that will enable them to have anyonestealing music or movies or TV shows put to death. Apparently, this is becauseall Americans want to do is steal music and movies and TV shows. Personally, giventhe opportunity, I would much rather pay for my movies and music and TV shows andsteal gasoline instead.

We all use the web everyday and we seem to have it sort of under control. It’s a wild west sort ofunder control, but for now it works. There’s commerce. There’s convenience. There’sknowledge. There are government services. There’s porn. There’s good (i.e.,blogging) and there’s evil (i.e., facebook). But somehow it all works.

Of course the mediaboys, the ones poor-mouthing to their pals in the Capitol city have beencomplaining about all the money they’ve been losing since some guy figured outhow to line up a bunch of 1’s and 0’s on a little silver disc late in thetwentieth century. They need to realize that things have changed. Perhaps theircocaine budget has been depleted but the money is still pretty darn good. Theyshould talk to the guy who put his kids through college printing telephonebooks.

When the traffic lighton the corner stops working, people usually manage to work things out.Pedestrians and drivers all get where they’re going without mishap or muchdelay. But things always seem to come to a standstill when someone sends a copover to handle the traffic until the light is fixed. The backup instantlydoubles and horns start honking. Let’s not be throwing unnecessary cops at the Internet.For now, we’re doing just fine.

Hero Of The Week

2012-01-18T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army MSgt. Kelly L. Hornbeck
Age: 36
Company C
3rd Battalion
10th Special Forces Group
Died 18 January, 2004
Samarrah, Iraq

Go Ahead And Find One

2012-01-17T03:30:00.000-05:00

When The Big Guy was here last May for his annual visit, he had something he wanted to mail. I told him we would drive by the Post Office on the way out. No, he said, we could just go to a box on the street; he already had postage on it. I told him there weren't any street boxes around my neighborhood anymore. Gone the way of the pay phone. No, he said, every neighborhood still has mailboxes. So I had no choice but to prove it to him.

We left home and traveled a couple miles in one direction. No mailboxes. To prove I didn't just pick a route where I knew no boxes existed, we drove a couple miles in a different direction. No mailboxes. We covered about all four points of the compass without finding a single blue box.

Finally having proven my point, we headed for the Post Office. While stopped for a light, The Big Guy suddenly exclaims "There's one!" Sure enough, through the intersection and about a block ahead was a mailbox. What he didn't know until I told him was that the box was one block from the Post Office. I know it doesn't make any sense. But the only walk-up mailbox in my vicinity is a block from the Post Office.

I used to know where all the mailboxes were, especially the drive-up type. They're all gone. Look around your neighborhood. Let me know if you can still find one.

Nonischemic Priapism

2012-01-16T03:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I know what priapism is. It's that dreaded erection lasting more than 4 hours that you have to be aware of when taking ED meds. But Nonischemic Priapism? Fortunately you have me to explain it to you, thanks to my lifetime subscription to the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Nonischemic Priapism is what happened recently to a 21 year old Iranian man who decided getting a tattoo on his dick would be a good idea. So he had a phrase done in Persian which translates to "Good luck on your journeys". Pretty clever if you let it sink in a moment. Wish I had thought of it first. Anyway, the tattoo artist, instead of using an electric needle, went old school and used a hand held needle. The problem is that he caused what the journal describes as "bleeding from deep penile tissue for several days". The end result is a case of Nonischemic Priapism, in layman's terms a semi-erect penis. All the time. 24/7/365.

The journal goes on to say the young man is not in any pain and besides, nobody knows how to correct it anyway. He's still able to have full erections; he just never goes fully soft. I would say something witty here, but I can't think of anything. Add your own tag line in the comments.

You Don't Have To Be Bright To Run A University

2012-01-13T03:30:00.000-05:00

"When we had these 18 colleges all kind of floating around, they were kind of like PT Boats, they were shooting each other," Gee said. "It was kind of like the Polish army or something. I have no idea what it was."

Gordon Gee
President; Ohio State University

A Few Things

2012-01-12T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

So I have this wholelist of topics to write a blog about, but the more I try the more I realizethat many of these topics aren’t worth more than a sentence or two. So here’s asentence or two on a whole bunch of things that are on my mind.

I re-subscribed to thelocal newspaper. After giving it up because I never read it, I found I missedhaving it around. Crazy, right? And besides that, after about eight weeks ofcancellation the folks at the paper called me up to make me an offer I couldn’trefuse. So I didn’t refuse. The paper is once again being tossed somewhere nearthe front door each morning. Most days I still don’t read it because I readtheir summary e-mail online, but it is nice having it back.

I bought a new car, myfirst new car in almost ten years. It’s great. It has every doo-dad imaginableon it, which is right up my alley, as I am a gadget freak. Mr. Grumpy told meto let him know when I figured out how to operate the automatic blowjob device.I discovered quite by accident that it is voice activated.

I am reasonably certainthat if you take a kid under the age of five, bundle her up on a cold day, andtake her off to a parade, she will want to leave within three minutes of youfinding the perfect place to stand and watch the festivities. As a bonus shewill not appreciate anything she sees and she will be hungry.

Handicapped parkingspaces have me fascinated. They occupy two regular parking spaces. Usually theyare painted with the blue and white wheelchair symbol in one of the spaces andhash marks across the other. They are designed so that the user has adoublewide space in which to park his vehicle. Got a van with a wheelchair rampto the left or the right? You can park to the appropriate side. Just need extraroom to get yourself out the door? Then park right in the middle. And yet whenwas the last time you saw a vehicle with a handicapped tag parked anywhere butsquarely in the single space with the wheelchair symbol?

In the 1950’s, childrenwho talked all the time or ran around a lot and liked to do a dozen things allat once were referred to as “rambunctious” or “boisterous.” Now thepediatrician writes a prescription that sucks the life out of the kid so theysit quietly in a corner, stirring a cup of water with a spoon. By the way, wehad pre-sweetened cereals back in the 1950’s, too.

If you want to start afight with someone, ask him or her to define “hero.”

It’s a shame theydecided to do away with the dollar coin (the fact that there are 1.4 billion ofthem sitting in bags at the Federal Reserve probably has something to do withthe decision). In a few more years we could have just glued them to envelopesand used them as postage.

Okay, that’s it. We’lldo something different next week.

Hero Of The Week

2012-01-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Spc. Michael J. Smith
Age: 24
1st Battalion
503rd Infantry
2nd Infantry Division
Died 11 January, 2005
Ramadi, Iraq

Get A Shovel, We're Moving To Illinois

2012-01-10T03:30:00.000-05:00

There were hundreds of new laws passed in Illinois last year, but only one that means anything in these tough economic times. Known not so euphemistically as the "roadkill bill", it allows anyone with a state furbearer license to salvage hides and even food from the critters that lose their battle with a car or truck.

It seems that a former state conservation officer pushed his representative to introduce the bill because he saw a chance for people to make some money and a way to save the state road crews the time and trouble removing the dead animals. The bill passed easily; actually it passed twice, the second time after the governor vetoed it. He was worried that motorists stopping to salvage dead animals would themselves become victims.

Believe it or not, some pelts are in high demand in places like Russia and China where they are valued for their warmth. Every day prices for raccoon pelts are about $9.00, a red fox goes for about $14 and muskrat is $6.50. Those prices are at the low end. Some salvaging road kill pelts often get twice those amounts. And don't forget, once you've skinned it to sell the pelt, you still have enough meat for a couple nice meals.

Laugh if you want, but in 2010 roadkill fur brought in $1.2 million in Illinois. I think The Big Guy can carve out a nice second career; he lives within walking distance of the interstate.

Good Game

2012-01-09T03:30:00.000-05:00

Tim Tebow did what I never imagined he could, he shredded the Steelers defense. He and the Broncos deserved to win; they were the better team. Now maybe Steeler fans will understand why Tomlin played Ben last week; home field is vital anytime, but especially in the playoffs.

I learned a long time ago that it's just a game. I give myself 10 minutes to consider all the "what ifs" and "if onlys" and then I put it away. At least now I can watch the rest of the playoffs without taking a Valium. Life goes on.

Dear God, Please Don't Let James Harrison Kill Me

2012-01-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

The Hypocrisy Of It All

2012-01-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

Government employees striving to be better paid government employees, all the while professing to hate government.

What I Learned in Washington D.C.

2012-01-05T03:30:00.001-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

Directly across from Ford's Theatre I discovered that Abraham Lincoln had a previous career as a restauranteur. Who would have thought?

Hero Of The Week

2012-01-04T07:15:00.000-05:00

Army Spc. Jimmy D. Buie
Age: 43
3rd Battalion
153rd Infantry Regiment
39th Infantry Brigade Combat Team
Died 4 January, 2005
Taji, Iraq

Why Bother?

2012-01-03T03:30:00.000-05:00

When I was still working and a contributing member of society, it was pretty much accepted in my industry that sales reps weren't going to work much in December. It was a busy time of year for our customers; the last thing they wanted was a salesperson in their face. So my boss knew we, the reps, were going to spend most of December tracking last minute orders from home, maybe make a few courtesy calls to take a good customer to lunch or schedule some appointments for early January when we had new programs to sell.

Now it seems as though the whole country just goofs off for most of the month; if not the whole month, certainly the last two weeks. How do I know this? I have a couple unscientific, but reliable indicators. I take the dog out every morning at 7:50. It's been an hour since she ate and you can set your watch by her bowel movements. Normally there's traffic aplenty at that time of the morning; in December it slows to a trickle. Secondly, and even more telling, is the traffic at Dunkin' Donuts. I usually arrive between 9:00-9:15. Pretty much the same customers will be there every day at that time. In December the place was packed, every day. People who I had never seen before were there. People who looked like they were of prime working age. Once school let out for the holidays the numbers swelled, and all those little rug rats had a parent or two with them. Parents weren't working. One woman who is there pretty much every day came up to me last week and said "Won't it be nice when the holidays are over and it goes back to just being we regulars?"

Yes, it will.

Just A Reminder

2012-01-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ....",

Football And God

2011-12-30T03:30:00.000-05:00

If you follow the NFL, or even if you don't, chances are you have heard of Tim Tebow and the hype he has created in not just Denver but around the country. Part of it is due to his part in resurrecting the Broncos season. A team going nowhere began playing better and winning in come from behind fashion after Tebow took over as the starting quarterback.I'm not going to argue the pros and cons of his playing style or speculate on his long term chances for success in the NFL. He has taken his team to the brink of the playoffs and as far as football goes, that's all that matters.

Tebow's appeal beyond football is another matter. A lot of the hype surrounding him concerns his overt and constant declarations of his religious faith. He takes every opportunity to express his evangelical Christain beliefs. Every post game, on field interview of Tebow I have seen has started with him saying "I want to thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, who made this possible.". Needless to say, all of this in your face religion has drawn both admirers and critics.

My personal feelings don't really matter. I want you to ask yourself one question. What would the reaction be if Tim Tebow were Muslim and began interviews proclaiming "Praise be to Allah"?

A Holiday Postmortem

2011-12-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

I know. Time to move on.2012 awaits. But first, a quick look back to last weekend and a thoughtfulsuggestion to make that 2012 a better year.

The holiday was great.Family, friends, great food, ample amounts of alcohol, no fights, no gunplay.What more could you possibly ask for from the Christmas weekend? As an extraspecial bonus, the nice Muslim family that operates the Dunkin’ Donuts in theneighborhood decided to open so my son could get his bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a plain bagel with a large coffee on Christmas morning.

Just one thing aboutthis Christmas (and/or Hanukkah for that matter) that has simply got to change:wrapping presents. What could be more tedious, more expensive and more timeconsuming? And the biggest insult is that seconds after the festivities beginall that work is utterly destroyed, laid to waste and stuffed into garbage bagsto be recycled or, worse yet, sent off to landfills nationwide. What a stupididea. I know that manufacturers of wrapping paper, tissue, gift bags, giftboxes, red and green ribbon and gift tags, not to mention those fine folks who were nice enough toinvent Scotch tape despise me for even bringing this up, but this is insanity.

Fortunately, I have thesolution: the holiday gift bin! It works like this. Every member of the familygets a bin. For starters let’s make it about two feet long, two feet wide and eighteeninches high. Each bin also has a sheet of paper in it to make a list. Anybodycan examine the bin except for the person to whom the bin belongs. You getsomebody a gift. You put it in their bin, unwrapped, and write the name of thegift and your name as giver on the list. Done! Yes, done! Look at the savingsin time, money, and aggravation! What could be easier?

And there’s more! If youcan’t think of something to get somebody, you could take a look in their binand see what other people have gotten them. Or you could check to make sureyou’re not duplicating a gift already in the bin. If you have a gift too largefor the bin, like a bicycle or a snow blower, you could hide it in their garageand drop a card in the bin with your name and the location of the gift. OnChristmas morning (or the first night of Hanukkah) the bins are passed out,everyone gets just as much enjoyment out of their gifts, there’s no messy cleanup, and the bins are simply put away for another year. As I said, what could beeasier?

And all those folks whomake wrapping paper and gift bags that I put out of work could be re-employedmaking holiday gift bins in different sizes and décor, or printing “Too Largefor the Holiday Gift Bin” cards. Heck, if this catches on, Ikea could beselling the Umlaut Gift Bin Credenza complete with six assorted gift bins for$49.95 by next fall. Spread the word so the holiday gift bin can startmaking the world and the holiday season a better place for us all. Oh, and Happy New Year.

Hero Of The Week

2011-12-28T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Pvt. Rey D. Cuervo
Age: 24
1st Squadron
2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment
Died 28 December, 2003
Baghdad, Iraq

Time To Move On

2011-12-27T03:30:00.000-05:00

In March we are planning to visit my granddaughter at the College of Charleston. Since we're spending nearly a week in the vicinity and she has classes and other activities, we are also going to do some sightseeing and visit historic sites. With a lot of free time while there I thought I would check the local car show calendar to see if there are any week night cruise-ins; at home I tend to see the same cars at every event. Seeing some new cars and owners would be interesting, especially if a week night cruise-in is held at a local BBQ joint.

What I found is that it's too early for March events to be listed in the Charleston paper. What I did find is an archive of events held this past Summer and Fall. An interesting one was a motorcycle rally sponsored by the Sons of Confederate Veterans. In the listing was a link to their website. I had to see this. Interesting reading. Anybody can join; you don't have to actually be related to a Confederate veteran. Apparently you just need to be white and stupid. On the site was a link to their newsletters. I read a few of the past issues. These guys don't believe that the Civil War had anything to do with slavery, and they have taken it as their sworn duty to correct this misconception being spread by the Northern liberal press.

One hundred forty-seven years since Appomattox and these morons are still fighting the fight. Hey, dickheads, your forefathers believed they had the right to "own" other human beings. Rather than give up that "right", they chose to tear the Union asunder. They were wrong. You are wrong. Give it up.

Look At The Bright Side

2011-12-26T03:30:00.000-05:00

There are some pretty pissed off customers of Best Buy's online store. Seems a lot of online orders, some dating back to Black Friday, didn't ship in time for Christmas. PR nightmare. Seems they could have handled the communications better. If they're smart they'll offer discounts, free shipping, whatever it takes to smooth things over and all will be forgiven.

With all the negativity surrounding this story in the media, many can't see past the cloud at the big silver lining. The orders didn't ship because Best Buy ran out of merchandise. High unemployment, gridlock in Washington, still millions of homes in foreclosure, the European economy unsettled, the next big shoe in China poised to fall and yet American consumers are literally picking Best Buy to the bare walls.

Lost sales are never a good feeling for any company. But it beats sitting on excess inventory every time. This is a good sign heading into 2012. A sign of consumer confidence. Won't be long before we have a chicken in every pot.

It's Only $40 A Paycheck

2011-12-23T03:30:00.000-05:00

I consider myself middle class. Most of my friends, if not all, are middle class, even by their own definition. I would guess those of you reading this consider yourself to be middle class. You're not worried where your next meal is coming from, but you're also not lighting cigars with $50 bills.

Congress, until yesterday afternoon, couldn't agree to extend the payroll tax cut. If they hadn't extended the cut by Jan. 1 the average American would have lost $40 a paycheck. If you get paid every two weeks that's $1,040 less for you in 2012. Anything you can think of you could do with that $1,040? At today's gas price, that's about 235 gallons of gas. Or 239 frappuccinos at Starbucks. Or 1,040 dollar stogies. Or my yearly tab at Dunkin' Donuts.

Just 364 Days To Go!

2011-12-22T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

Here we are, late in themonth of December, people scurrying about, shopping, planning, dropping coinsin kettles, spreading holiday cheer. What could be more festive? I just lovethe holiday season which is why I have this little message for all of you: Only364 days left until the end of the whole freaking world. Thanks a lot, ancientMayans.

Yes, while you wereasleep last night the earth crossed the winter solstice, which means it was thelongest night of the year. And now the days will be getting longer, apparentlyfor the last time. But that doesn’t mean that cultures around the world won’ttake a bit of time out and celebrate in their own strange ways the victory ofthe warming sun over the darkness, provided that you live in the northernhemisphere and you can ignore that end of the world thing.

Now if this all soundsfamiliar, it’s probably because you’re thinking of that Harold Camping guy. Hewas the “broadcaster” with the aluminum foil hat who predicted the rapture wouldoccur last May and when that didn’t happen he decided he meant October. And yethere we are. Meanwhile Harold apparently was sucked into the vortex of anursing home rapture. It’s a miracle.

But let’s get back tothose ancient Mayan fellows. While Harold couldn’t correctly foresee the end ofthe world five months ahead, the Maya went all in and allegedly picked December21, 2012 as Day Last several thousand years in advance. Of course they had twodifferent systems for counting days, forgot to deal with leap year and managedto trash what was considered to be an educationally advanced culture. Whilesome say they have predicted the end of the world in just 364 more days, someothers say that the Mayan calendar committee simply voted to take a break andenjoy a nice cool xocolatl, having created a calendar that had continuouscycles, each of which covered 5,125 years, not to mention the fact that it alsodetermined the placement of many of the international floating holidays likeChinese New Year, Shrove Tuesday and the start of the major league baseball season,but nothing at all to do with the end of the world.

So I’m just going to goout on a limb here and say we’re safe, or as safe as you can be in the earlypart of the twenty-first century. Further I would advise you to enjoy yourHanukkah, your Christmas, your Kwanzaa, and your celebration of the wintersolstice in whatever way you choose. If you disagree with my assessment we canmeet back here in 364 days and while the world is collapsing all around us you canfeel free to say you told me so.

Hero Of The Week

2011-12-21T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Sgt. Major Robert D. Odell
Age: 38
Army Intelligence and Security Command
Died 21 December, 2004
Mosul, Iraq

Never Again

2011-12-20T03:30:00.000-05:00

I have decided that the yearly sending of Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday cards is a tremendous waste of time, energy and money. From now on it's ecards only. They're free, no trip to the post office, no stamps to buy. I've had it with the yearly exercise of sitting down with a list, keeping track of who sent us a card last year, who didn't and can be safely dumped; yep, ecards is the wave of the future. It's not like my 15 cards a year is going to keep the USPS afloat.

I really hate getting the cards from people who think it's cute to print pics of their kids on the cards. For a couple years, enamored with the new technology of uploading pictures and creating your own cards, we sent out cards with pictures of ourselves, or us with our dog. Thinking back, how egotistical can one be to think that anyone wants to open the mail and find a picture of you. "Oh look hon, we got a card from Mr. and Mrs. Grumpy. Jesus, they've aged haven't they?"

So if you got a card from us this year, it's a keepsake; there won't be anymore. And if you've been sending one to us, you can stop. If you want to let me know you're thinking of me, pick up the phone and call, Skype me, text me, Facetime me, tweet me. Just no more cards in December. I'd still like a Birthday card.

Big Brother Comes To The Doctor's Office

2011-12-19T03:30:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon I made a trip to our family doctor. Nothing critical, just think of it as an oil and filter change. So I check in at the counter, pay my $25 dollar co-pay (which was $10 four years ago and $20 two years ago) and settle in to read a Car and Driver from 2009. A couple minutes later one of the young ladies at the desk calls out "Mr. Grumpy, would you please come up, we need to get your picture." Huh? My picture? Why the Hell do they need my picture? Which is what, in more polite terms, I asked her.

What I said was "Are people clamoring to get doctor appointments using my name?" She claimed that it was a new security measure to make sure the person showing up for the appointment is actually the same person they have in their records. So she turns a little webcam on top of her computer toward me, says "Ready?" and snaps my mug. I'm sure it's now permanently attached to my patient records. But where else does it go?

My doctor and his group are part of a larger, city wide group of physicians affiliated with a large medical system. I'm sure my picture is now in their data base too. They already have my name, address, Social Security number, phone number, medical history, drug history and God knows what else. I suppose attaching a picture to all of that is of little consequence, but somehow it just feels creepy. What next? Fingerprints? Retinal scans? And like the rest of the sheep, I didn't protest. Privacy continues to erode, little bits and pieces at a time and we (I) just let it.

Buyer's Remorse

2011-12-16T03:30:00.000-05:00

It has been reported that Americans are returning recently purchased retail items at a record pace. It would seem that many people were seduced by sale prices, ran out and bought new items and then realized they need the money more than the big HDTV. Many chains are being swamped with returns, each of which not only cuts into their profits, but also makes the rosy early sales reports look not so rosy after all.

But there is also a bright side. Many returned items can't be resold as new. The chains then sell them at a discount to large wholesalers and liquidators who in turn sell them to stores that specialize in close-outs or seconds or to mom and pop stores that aren't able to purchase name brands at reasonable prices. What it means is that some consumers end up with a great deal on an HDTV that they otherwise couldn't afford.

A record rate of returns is certainly not a good sign for our economy, but the secondary market picks up the slack and there are some winners in the end.

Turning It Down

2011-12-15T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

I need to see the handsof those whose television set did not come with a remote control. I need toknow how many of you out there are required to get out of your chair and makeyour way across the living room rug over to your TV where you have to turn aknob or push a button when you’re done watching Alaska State Troopers and it’s time for Lady Hoggers.

These days, as long asyou remember to sit your butt down with the remote, your cell and perhaps a refreshingbeverage and some nachos, there is absolutely no reason why your butt has tomove until you need to use the restroom or grab another refreshing beverage.Certainly any required adjusting of volume levels or muting irritatingcommercials is handled quickly and easily with a quick press on the remoteutilizing the evolutionary magic of our opposable thumb.

And that’s why the finefolks at the Federal Communications Commission at the urging of Congress (andwe know those people certainly have nothing else pressing to concern themselveswith) have suddenly decided it is of critical importance to the fabric of ourNation to fix the fact that commercials on TV are too loud. Our thumbs must besaved from undue stress! Never mind that most of us use this portion of the broadcastday to visit the restroom and replenish our supply of nachos and refreshingbeverages.

This seems like a goodtime for an analogy. In This Is SpinalTap, Nigel Tufnel was incredibly proud of the group’s amps that went up toeleven. It was one louder than ten. Well, on television you can’t go to eleven.You can only go to ten. Machinery is in place to make sure everything can onlygo to ten: movies, quiz shows, even LadyHoggers as well as commercials can only go to ten. However, most of thestuff on TV usually just goes to five, or eight or nine and occasionally ten,just like normal conversation. Now a commercial, which is just fifteen orthirty seconds long, goes to ten a lot -- sometimes every word. And that is whythey seem louder, even though they can only go to ten, not eleven, just likeeverything else on TV. And now the FCC, at the urging of Congress, is going toforce TV producers and TV networks and cable companies and satellite companiesand local TV stations to waste millions of dollars to fix something that we havealways fixed with our thumb, without ever having to move one single butt out ofa chair.

Suck it up, America. TVtoo loud? Use the damn remote. That’s why Alexander Graham Bell invented it. Oh,and you might want to drop a note or a tweet to your busy, busy Congress person(they love tweets) and see if they can’t urge the fine folks at the FCC to dosomething truly important, like finding out why cell phone companies are stillcharging us for both making a call and getting a call. What the hell is withthat?

Hero Of The Week

2011-12-14T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Spc. Rion C. Ferguson
Age: 22
Regimental Support Squadron
3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment
Died 14 December, 2003
Quinn, Iraq

Not Just For Girls

2011-12-13T03:30:00.000-05:00

Until about six months ago I had never been inside a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Their name led me to assume that the place was aimed at women. Think about it. Bed brings to mind sheets, linens, pillowcases, duvet covers (which I still don't get). Bath conjures images of towels, bathmats, shower curtains, the little shower curtain hangy things. The Beyond didn't make any sense to me. I just had a sense that no self respecting male was going to be caught dead in the place.

When we got our Keurig coffee maker, someone suggested that Bed, Bath and Beyond had the best selection of K cups anywhere. So I went and looked. They did. In fact they have what must be a 18 ft. wall filled with every imaginable flavor of coffee and tea in K cups, along with lemonades, apple cider and several hot chocolates. So I picked what I wanted, went straight to the register, looking neither left nor right, paid for my selection and was out the door.

That one trip has led to us getting a 20% off coupon in the mail at least once a week, sometimes twice. So I kept going back when we needed more K cups and got 20% off every purchase. Same typical male shopping behavior each time. Enter, get what I came for and leave. Then one day, for what reason I can't fathom, I decided to check out the Beyond past the K cup display. Holy Shit!! This place has all kinds of incredible stuff. Art, electronic gadgets, accessories for electronic gadgets, house slippers, snuggie type garments with NFL team logos, beard trimmers, nose trimmers, even a vibrator (even though they call it a massager, wink wink).

Now when I go for K cups I sometimes spend another half hour just looking at stuff. I've broadened my horizons and realized you can't always judge a book by its' cover, or a store by its' name. I think I'll check out Victoria's Secret next.

Time For A Change

2011-12-12T03:30:00.000-05:00

This past week Tim Beckman was announced as the new Head Football Coach at Illinois. I don't care about Illinois football and if it weakens Toledo, his former gig, that's fine with me. Here's my problem with the whole thing, coaching changes this time of year, not just Beckman's move. Both teams, Toledo and Illinois are playing in Bowl games. Both without the head coaches who led them there. Both with interim coaches who know that once the bowl game is over they, and all the assistants, are likely out of jobs. I'm sure that helps with the focus during preparation.

These aren't the only schools in this position and it happens every year. Why can't the NCAA step in and legislate that there be no coaching changes until after the conclusion of the bowl season? I'm sure there are concerns regarding recruiting and the signing date for letters of intent, but it would seem those things could be worked out. Even if a coach is an obvious lame duck, and in Ron Zook's case at Illinois, that was pretty obvious, I think he still deserves to coach the bowl game with his players.

If you do watch Illinois vs. UCLA on Dec. 31 you desperately need a life.

I Killed Mickey

2011-12-09T03:30:00.000-05:00

The other evening, safely ensconced in my little cubbyhole for the evening, I hear the lilting strains of Mrs. Grumpy from somewhere below, "Grumpy, could you come down here?" I recognize the tone; it is not really a question, or a request, but more of a command. So I do what I always do at such moments, jump up and get my ass downstairs.

Mrs. Grumpy and the dog are standing in the kitchen. Actually, she's not really in the kitchen, more standing in the doorway as if ready to flee at any moment. "We have a mouse" she proclaims. I ask how she knows this. Seems she went to get a pot out of the drawer at the bottom of the stove and discovered the rubber on the handle of the lid had been chewed. That and the tell tale pellets.

I know what's expected; it's now my problem. If I didn't exist or were dead, she would call her son and he would have to drive 45 minutes (one way) to deal with it. But I do exist. Was I watching my favorite show? Perhaps an important football game? Doesn't matter. She will not rest until the mouse is dealt with. She says we have traps in the basement. I hope they're the live type; bait it with some peanut butter, the little critter walks in and the door shuts behind him. Then I can take him down to the woods behind our house and release him. He's out of the house, Mrs. Grumpy is happy and my conscience is clean.

What I find are sticky traps. Just a tray with some bait food and coated with something stronger than Super Glue. Put it in the drawer and return to my TV watching. Not 20 minutes later I again hear that familiar voice. She says the dog alerted her to a sound in the kitchen. Sure enough, little Abby is standing stock still and staring at the stove. I open the drawer and there is the little fella, stuck belly down on the tray. I take him outside with every intention of releasing him, but there's a problem. I can't get him unglued.

I now have two options. Make it quick and as painless as possible, or leave him in the woods, stuck to the tray, to starve or be eaten. Pick one.

Fourteen Years, Give or Take

2011-12-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

So, what are you goingto be doing for the next fourteen years? Growing up? Growing old? Working yourway to the top? Finishing up your education and beginning a great job? Findingthat really special someone and raising a family?

Fourteen years is a reallylong time. Let’s look back. What were you doing New Year’s Day, 1998? I know itwas the last century and all, but I bet you can figure out what was going on inyour life. We were just talking about the President and a friend of his namedMonica. The Broncos beat the heavily favored Packers in The Big Game XXXII,31-24. E-mail was really coming into its own and if you had a cell phone it wasprobably mounted to the dash of your car or you carried it around in yourbriefcase. Clearly, a lot has changed in fourteen years.

Now look forward. Ah,that’s a little tougher. Looking back fourteen years doesn’t seem nearly as faraway as looking ahead, even though when you get there it’s going to feel a lotfaster than the last fourteen. It’ll be 2026. Maybe this recession will beover. Maybe President Gaga will have helped Congress figure out a way to getalong and pass some legislation. Maybe the cell phone implanted in my brainwill get some decent reception even when I’m wearing a knit cap. Maybe my carwill run on urine, making frequent bathroom breaks on cross-country tripsactually an advantage. And hopefully Facebook will have been abolished, havingbeen found responsible for the general dumbing down of the human race.

Perhaps some morepersonal perspective would be helpful. If you have a cute kid in second graderight now, he or she will be graduating from college. For those of you who arejust getting used to being in your fifties, you’ll be filling out paperwork tostart receiving social security checks in 2026, assuming social security isstill around in fourteen years, unlike the United States Postal Service. Andthat whole miserable baby boomer generation will be entering their eighties andwon’t be around bugging anyone much longer.

Oh, and in 2026, disgracedformer governor of the state of Illinois, pistachio nut pitchman and realitygame show contestant Rod Blagojevich (pronounced jackass) will be sixty-nineyears old. His wife Patty, if she is still his wife, will be sixty. And his twolittle girls will be twenty-nine and twenty-two. That’s the year privatecitizen Blagojevich will be released from federal prison, thanks to hiscorruption dalliances. And quite honestly, fourteen years could become twelve,but twelve years is a long time, too, if you’ve got nothing to do but stare atthe walls and stay out of everyone’s way.

Hero Of The Week

2011-12-07T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Command Sgt. Major Cornell W. Gilmore I
Age: 45
Judge Advocate General Office
Headquarters Department of the Army
Died 7 December, 2003
Tikrit, Iraq

College Football Is A Joke

2011-12-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

I don't pretend to understand how the BCS rankings work. Some goofy mix of human polls, computer polls and voodoo for all I know. I do know this: LSU is clearly the best team in the country. Alabama played them during the regular season and lost. How do they deserve another shot?

Oklahoma State absolutely destroyed the #10 team in the country. They apparently get punished for losing to Iowa State on the road the day after two members of their schools' women's basketball staff died in a plane crash. Why don't they get a shot at #1? Or Stanford, or Oregon, or Arkansas, or Boise St.? The whole process is a joke and every year deserving teams get screwed. I'm not watching this fiasco.

Want to see what might be the best game? Don't miss Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas St. The over/under might be 120. Or you can watch LSU beat Alabama 9-6.

Dump The Little Lady, Get There Faster

2011-12-05T03:30:00.000-05:00

This is going to sound like I'm picking on Mrs. Grumpy, but I'm convinced from lifelong experience that it applies to any and all women. We traveled to Hampton, VA Thanksgiving week. It is 603 miles door to door and takes 9 1/2-10 hours with stops for gas, food, bathroom breaks and pit stops for the dog. I'm convinced I could cut that time significantly by dumping the little lady.

We left at 8:15 a.m. A little over two hours later, we stopped in Jackson, OH for gas. Mrs. Grumpy goes inside to pee. Two more hours to Charleston, WV. Mrs. Grumpy has to pee. Another hour and change to Beckley, WV. Not only does Mrs. Grumpy pee, she insists on sitting still while eating lunch. I can eat and drive; the key to a long trip is to keep moving.

To make a long story short, we stopped at a Starbucks somewhere in VA for a pick-me-up; Mrs. Grumpy has to go inside and pee. Rest stop further along in VA to let the dog go, Mrs. Grumpy goes too. Pees more than the dog. We're within 20 miles of our destination and she wants to stop at another rest stop. This is ridiculous.

For the record, I peed in Beckley and when we arrived at our final stop. Twice in 10 hours. What is the story with women and their bladders?

How Did I Get Here?

2011-12-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

For those newly eligible for Medicare, you may enroll 90 days before the first day of the month in which you actually turn 65. For me that day was yesterday. My first reaction is that this can't be. I don't feel almost 65; my granddaughter says I don't act my age and when I look at high school classmates on Facebook they all look older than I.

I have for months been receiving Medicare info from a variety of sources. From the Feds, from big insurance companies, from small insurance companies, from health care brokers. It all sits in a pile on my desk, unopened and unread. Maybe if I ignore it the whole thing will just go away. Probably not. I know I should read this stuff, that I need to be informed, to know my options, to make intelligent decisions. But every time I look at that pile I'm just overcome with lethargy.

It's not related to getting older; I've always been sort of happy with whatever age I've been at the time. I know that for whatever coverage I choose to be effective when I turn 65 I must enroll soon. I just don't seem to care.

Twenty-Five Shopping Days

2011-12-01T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

Wow, it’s the last monthof the year already and the holiday season is in full swing. I love the holidayseason. I love to see the homes all decorated with lights. People seem to be abit nicer this time of year. Their faces glow with that holiday smile as theyfill your eyes, nose and throat with pepper spray at Walmart while seeking outa two dollar waffle iron. They move carefully and gingerly through the doorwayat Target as they step over a man who has just suffered a heart attack so they canquickly make their way inside to pick up DVDs for five bucks. What could betterillustrate the spirit of the season?

I’ve made up my very ownspecial shopping list. Reading the news makes me realize there are certainpeople whose lives could truly be complete if only they got just the right giftthis time of the year. As a public service I thought I’d share my list withyou, just in case you were thinking of getting something special for someonespecial.

For that no-nonsense guyand potentially (for just a bit longer) candidate for President of the UnitedStates of America, Herman Cain -- a gift certificate to the Chicken Ranch Brothelin Nevada. If Herm had the common sense to handle his needs in a professional,discreet manner, the rest of us wouldn’t have to be contemplating thepossibility of a President Newt. Oh, and for bedside reading let’s throw in acopy (paperback) of Sexual Harassment inthe Workplace (also available for Kindle).

To all those coaches ofyoung men and boys out there who are minutes away from unwanted limelight inthe storied tradition of those with the last name of Sandusky and Fine -- earlyretirement followed by long prison sentences. Perhaps only the Catholic Churchcan find a mixed blessing here, if you know what I mean.

For the beleaguered Ms.Kardashian (pick whichever one you choose) -- lessons…in anything. At somepoint in time just standing around and staring blankly while handlers justoutside camera shot tell you what to do, like breathe through your nose and notyour mouth, is no longer going to work. Perhaps a nice class in plumbing orcarpentry would be a fine investment for a questionable future. You know, howabout manicuring? Wouldn’t want to tax that chipmunk brain.

And finally, for thosewho steal donated toys and clothing from churches intended for the lessfortunate this holiday season -- untimely death.

Well, that’s it for now.Happy holidays, everybody!

Hero Of The Week

2011-11-30T03:30:00.000-05:00

Army Sgt. Pablo A. Calderon
Age: 26
1st Battalion
5th Cavalry Regiment
1st Cavalry Division
Died 30 November, 2004
Fallujah, Iraq

It's About Character

2011-11-29T03:30:00.000-05:00

So Ohio State, after days of rumor, speculation, tracking of planes and the blogosphere practically blowing up, has the football coach they wanted. That would be Urban Meyer, who has had success everywhere he has coached, including 2 National Championships at Florida.

Ohio State is coming off a turbulent few months in its storied football program. Free tattoos, payments for jobs not worked, rumors of preferential treatment by local car dealers and to top it off, a head coach who got caught trying to cover it all up, an act which eventually led to multiple player suspensions and the coach resigning. Under an interim coach the Buckeyes went 6-6. Not acceptable in Columbus nor in the hinterlands of Ohio, where every redneck who has never been within 100 miles of Ohio State flies the block O in front of their trailer.

Well, they got their man and the faithful are jubilant. They will go to sleep with visions of National Championships dancing in their heads. Just one small problem that nobody seems inclined to address. I watched Meyer's introductory press conference and not one print or broadcast person had the balls to ask the question. Said question should have gone something like this "Coach Meyer, during your six years at Florida 27 players were arrested for 30 offenses, ranging from DUI to theft to violent crimes. Do you think this speaks to the character of the players you recruited at Florida and how will you recruit differently to avoid the same thing happening at Ohio State?"

The question wasn't asked, so we'll never know the answer. Meyer's record at Florida speaks for itself, both on and off the field. At football factories like The Ohio State University all that matters is winning; the fans don't care how.

Highlight Of My Thanksgiving Trip

2011-11-28T03:30:00.000-05:00

You are looking at a lovely picture of Charleston, WV. Beautiful view as you look down on the city and the interstate as it winds across the river that bisects the state capitol. There is a reason the Chamber of Commerce takes these pictures at night; the place is not all that picturesque by day. Charleston was part of my territory for a decade and though I'm sure there are nice parts of town, I never saw them. All of my accounts were located in a narrow band that took me from one end of town to the other, but always within a few blocks of the river and a landscape framed by old factories, shuttered factories, decrepit homes, small businesses and fast food joints. There must be suburbs, but nobody in my particular industry chose to locate in them.

Every time we make the trip to Virginia to visit family, we must pass through Charleston. Every time Mrs. Grumpy proclaims "I wouldn't want to live here." On the way down this time she added "Everything here looks old and worn out". I realized that is the perfect description.

On the way back on Saturday we stopped at the northern end of the WV Turnpike in Charleston to grab something to eat, let the dog pee, etc. As we sat in a motel parking lot eating our Wendy's we saw a group of Hispanic men gathered at the other end of the parking lot, just smoking and talking. That's when Mrs. Grumpy came out with the line of this trip or any other. She says to me "How bad must it be where you live to think living here is better"? I almost spit up my lemonade.

Doesn't Deserve To Win

2011-11-27T09:17:00.001-05:00

I Feel Out Of Touch

2011-11-25T03:30:00.000-05:00

I have been in Virginia all week visiting family. I have internet access, but very little time to connect. When I'm home it's easy to stay up to date with the blogs and news sites that I read daily. This week I haven't kept up with anything. It wasn't that long ago that we didn't have this easy connection to the world; going without for a few days leaves me feeling at loose ends. I feel like I'm missing something. I'm ready to get back to my routine.

Enjoy

2011-11-24T03:30:00.000-05:00

Hero Of The Week

2011-11-23T03:30:00.000-05:00

Air Force Tech Sgt. Howard A. Walters
Age: 33
20th Special Operations Squadron
Died 23 November, 2003
Afghanistan

The Best Holiday Of The Year

2011-11-22T03:30:00.000-05:00

I love Thanksgiving. To me it's the best holiday of the year, by far. Family, food, football, and turkey sandwiches at 10:00 p.m. A day to be surrounded by loved ones and bask in the glow. Forget whatever troubles we may think we have and just enjoy the once a year atmosphere.

My wish is for all of you to have a wonderful, peaceful Thanksgiving. Hug your kids, hug your grandkids, maybe even hug your spouse. The world will intrude again soon enough.

Just Say No

2011-11-21T03:30:00.000-05:00

Black Friday approaches. Used to be that the stores would open at 6:00 a.m. to throngs of consumers waiting to take advantage of the bargains. Then the stores moved their opening up to 3:00 a.m. on the premise that people would turn out earlier and they would add three hours of potential sales. And it worked. So now many of the leading big box stores are going to open at midnight Friday. Add another three hours. And I have no doubt there will be people lined up to get in. The merchants claim that their research shows that people are willing to go shopping at midnight after a long Thanksgiving Day.

Lost in all of this madness are the employees of said retailers. Those manning the midnight opening must report to work at 11:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. That means they are going to work through the night. In order to do that many are planning to sleep through the late afternoon and evening, in many cases missing out on their family Thanksgiving celebrations. Some are protesting, setting up Facebook pages to gather support and online petitions. Others are lying low, fearful that opposition will bring retribution or loss of their jobs.

Of course the stores are going to entice us to show up at opening by featuring the best prices at that time, or offering a limited number of the best, most wanted items. Don't do it. Do your shopping during normal business hours; the price difference won't be that great. Let these retailers know that screwing their employees is unacceptable.

Do you think the CEO of Target is going to miss any of Thanksgiving with his family to help the bottom line?

What Happens To My Stuff?

2011-11-18T03:30:00.000-05:00

Saturday will be 12 years since my Dad died. I don't dwell on anniversaries like this; everybody dies sometime. I was just talking to Mrs. Grumpy about a spate of people on Facebook lately posting long tributes to parents or other loved ones who died, sometimes many years ago. I don't understand the need to share that publicly. Every November I'm aware that my Dad died that month, but it doesn't provoke a lot of reflection on my part. Would I rather he was here? Sure, but he's not and I can't change that.

But the anniversary of his death always reminds me of something I found odd about his final days. He went into the hospital after not being able to keep food down, exploratory surgery found stomach cancer and he died five weeks later, never returning home. What I found odd about the whole experience is that once faced with the inevitable, he never once asked about his possessions. An apartment full of clothes, pictures, mementos. An almost brand new car. A nice set of golf clubs. You know, the stuff you own and which inhabits your everyday life. Does your "stuff" just cease to matter as you face death? Is the prospect of impending death so overwhelming that it leaves one unable to concentrate on anything else. Or was that just his response? I wish I had thought to ask him before he died, because I did notice at the time that he wasn't asking about any of that.

I'm totally different. I want to know where my shit is going. Sure, Mrs. Grumpy will get it all to do with as she pleases. Clothes can go to Goodwill, books can be donated, my Salesperson of the Year award from 2001 can be thrown out. But I have stuff I want to stay in the family or go to friends. My Grandfather's pocket watches, my Dad's wedding ring, my Miami football helmet autographed by Ben Roethlisberger and the late Coach Terry Hoeppner. My football autographed by Ben. The brand new fleshlight I'm going to soon win at The Money Shot.

I know, put it in a will. I've done that, but how do you know your wishes will really be carried out? I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. Maybe that's the message I should take from my Dad.

Looking Back

2011-11-17T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

I don’t know if this isas odd to you as it is to me but I’ve been guest blogging here for a year as ofthis week. For 1.56% of my life I’ve been dancing here on Thursdays, attemptingto put together four or five hundred words in some coherent fashion to make apoint or touch a nerve or make you laugh or soothe my conscience or just wasteyour time. And it beats me if any of those things is more important than anyother.

I’ll tell you what hasbeen important: grammar. Well, grammar and punctuation. Maybe grammar andpunctuation and capitalization, all things that most people don’t seem to givea damn about anymore since everything we communicate has turned into strings of140 characters, all lower case, many of them not even actual words butacronyms. And the world is going to hell because we all proofread our ownstuff.

Anyhow, I did theobligatory thing when celebrating one year of writing for a blog. I went backand read every single one of the fifty-two posts that I’ve inflicted upon youthus far. I laughed. I cried. I shook my head. I scratched my head. I shruggedmy shoulders and inevitably reached the following conclusion: I am reasonablycertain I have nothing left to say. I wrote about most of the holidays, aboutfond childhood memories, about things that bug the hell out of me, aboutpolitics, about idiots (sort of goes hand in hand with the previous item), abouthuman tragedies and triumphs, about good and evil and about good and great.Yep, done.

And then I see this stackof paper scraps I have here on my desk covered with things I was going to writeabout, ideas that I had during a week that just didn’t seem to measure up tothe occasion when Thursday would roll around. Ideas about institutions, humanemotions, perspective, technology, holidays I missed, not to mention morepolitics, more idiots and more childhood memories, fond or otherwise, justwaiting to be explored and posted on the web. So I guess I can forget thatthing about having nothing left to say.

Of course there areother reasons I’ll continue. It’s still nice to give Mr. Grumpy a day off. Howhe manages to write three or four or five posts a week is beyond me. And I’lldo it to keep my writing skills sharp. And I’ll do it to pass along a point ofview with which you can feel free to agree, disagree or ignore, but to pursuehuman discourse in the fashion it has become at the beginning of thetwenty-first century, probably the biggest reason I fear for our future.

And while I have no ideawhat I will write about next week (as I haven’t for the last fifty-two), restassured that even if there are only five of you out there who read what I writeon a regular basis, I promise that I will continue to do my best as well as attempt toremain grammatically correct.

Hero Of The Week

2011-11-16T03:30:00.000-05:00

Marine Sgt. Christopher T. Heflin
Age: 26
3rd Battalion
1st Marine Regiment
1st Marine Division
I Expeditionary Force
Died 16 November, 2004
Anbar Province, Iraq

Doing Manly Things

2011-11-15T03:30:00.000-05:00

Every year about this time I pray for a warm day so that I can prepare my old car for the winter. I change the oil and filter, add a can of Sta-bil to the gas tank, remove the battery for indoor storage and put her up on jack stands to avoid flat spots on the tires. That day came today. 71 degrees and pleasant. I don't know what it is about this ritual that makes me feel good. Maybe just doing something with my own hands while knowing I'm also doing what's best for the car and preserving the value.

I generally don't like manual labor. I will duck cutting the grass or doing stuff in the yard until Mrs. Grumpy gets fed up and does it herself. But working on the car gives me satisfaction. I think there is just a primal connection between a man and his car. We take care of them, they take care of us. Not to claim that I'm an accomplished mechanic, but since getting into the classic car hobby I'm amazed at how much I've learned and how much I'm willing to try. Hey, if I screw up I know Tony at Westside Auto will bail me out.

So my baby's ready for another winter. Now for that first warm day in March to reverse the process and hit the road again.

I Overcome My Fears

2011-11-14T03:30:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning was my Basic Handgun class. I'll admit that before going that I was intimidated by guns, not having handled any in the past. The class took care of that. They spent 1 1/2 hours just on safety and handling various types of guns. The last 1/2 hour was spent on the range actually shooting the various guns we had handled. Once we hit the range I was already confident that I could safely load, fire and extract the spent cartridges in a safe manner.

The gun I was most comfortable with is the one pictured, a Smith & Wesson Model 617 .22 LR. It felt the most comfortable in my hand and was heavy enough that it fired with virtually no kick at all. The problem is that for home defense a .22 caliber gun doesn't have much stopping power. Especially in a stressful situation where accuracy is probably not going to be great. I have since exchanged emails with the instructor and he recommends either a .38 or a revolver that can use pistol ammo such as 9mm or .40 caliber shells.

The most interesting thing to me was that I went in with the preconceived notion that a pistol, because it's what all the cops carry, was the gun to have. After handling and firing both pistols and revolvers, I found the revolver much easier to load, fire and change ammo. The pistol ejecting the spent casing after every shot was extremely disconcerting, although I would imagine one would get used to it after practice.

Next move is to go back to the store, rent various revolvers and see what I'm comfortable with using. Stay tuned.

2011-11-13T03:30:00.000-05:00

I Don't Get It

2011-11-11T03:30:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday morning I was sitting in my usual spot at Dunkin' when my cell phone buzzed. The screen says I have a Media Message from one of my step-sons. I know he's on a hunting trip somewhere in VA but I didn't expect what confronted me when I opened the message. He had shot a buck and there was a picture of it lying on the ground, taken on his cell phone from his spot in a tree. That's not the exact pic to the left since I immediately deleted the real one.

All I could think of was that approximately one minute before my receiving that pic, the buck was walking through the woods, nibbling on leaves when out of the blue, BLAM. Now it was dead. Why is that necessary? I can understand if it's the mid nineteenth century and you and your family are trekking across the plains in a covered wagon and you need food. It's 2011 and anything you need you can get at Kroger. I just don't see the sport in shooting an unsuspecting animal.

Sexual Abuse as a Spectator Sport

2011-11-10T03:30:00.000-05:00

By The Big Guy
Senior Contributor

The facts have yet toplay themselves out in University Park, Pennsylvania but suffice it to say thatthose facts we know are both disgraceful and sad. Last I looked (and by thetime you read this it could be different) at least three football coaches andthree administrators have been fired, suspended prior to being fired, or beenallowed to resign although they were actually fired and by calling it aresignation they probably get to preserve their pension or their insurance benefitswhich will be paid for courtesy of the citizens of the Commonwealth ofPennsylvania, even though what they did or didn’t do was despicable. Some,perhaps all of them should wind up in prison but, unfortunately, being morallybankrupt is not necessarily against the law in Pennsylvania or any other statefor that matter.

Those who look at theevents of this past week and see them as the destruction of one of the greatestfootball coaches of all time need to step to the mirror and take a good longlook at the jackass that is staring back at you. For this is the story of asmany as eight or nine young boys, defenseless young boys who were sexuallyabused by a sick, twisted adult and the institutions that failed to come to theirrescue as their childhood was destroyed. Particularly distressing is the factthat this story is on record with local and county police going back overthirteen years, with specific incidents in 1998, 2000 and 2002.

Where is the outrage?This is a circumstance that requires outrage. Right now it appears that onlythe university’s board of directors and, coincidentally, dozens of studentssupporting what they perceive to be a wrongly accused and beloved father figureare expressing outrage. Thirteen years. How many of those eight or nine kidscould have been spared the horror if something had been done – if the moraloutrage had been there on anyone’s part to pursue this matter, rather thanworry about the reputation of a college or a sports program.

Inevitably it comes downto the quote attributed to but never actually spoken or written by EdmundBurke, statesman, member of the British House of Commons and supporter ofAmerica’s Revolution. It goes like this:

The only thing necessaryfor the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Life is not a spectatorsport. Get up. Go to the mirror. Look that guy or gal directly in the eyes andask that person what he or she would have done. It’s the twenty-first centuryfor God’s sake. We should expect better of ourselves. We should demand better of ourselves.

Hero Of The Week

2011-11-08T03:30:00.001-05:00

Army Sgt. Linda C. Jiminez
Age: 39
2nd Squadron Combat Support Aviation (Maintenance)
2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment
Died 8 November, 2003
Walter Reed Army Medical Center of injuries sustained in Iraq

I Solve All Our Problems

2011-11-08T03:30:00.000-05:00

This country, if not in shambles, is doing a good imitation. Protests in the streets over too much government or inequities in wealth distribution (shouldn't we all aspire to be in the 1%?). Stalemate in Washington. States trying to bust unions. Not enough jobs. Too much unemployment. The economy wheezing along; good news one day, bad the next. The stock market is a roller coaster. Nobody seems to have solutions and if someone did, they wouldn't get implemented.

Then it came to me. At what point in my life was the country just humming on all cylinders? A booming economy, ever rising home prices, low unemployment, no Americans at war (unless you count a few missiles shot into a pharmaceutical plant), rising salaries, a chicken in every pot and blow jobs in the Oval Office.

Between 1992-2000, that's when. Bill Clinton made life grand. Things have gone completely to Hell since then. You can practically trace the down turn from Jan. 20, 2001. Let's get this country back on track. I'm proposing a Constitutional Amendment to change the term limits on the office of President of the United States. Better yet, let's just make Bill King for Life.

It's My Turn

2011-11-07T03:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Election Day. I promised no more politics and this won't be. We have a school levy on our ballot. Not a renewal, but additional money. The city schools where I live could generously be called underperforming. Their scores on standardized tests are pitiful, in some schools the graduation rates are terrible and the number of students going on to some form of advanced education is woeful. Everybody wants to lay blame on someone or something; it's the teachers or the facilities or the outdated books or a bloated bureaucracy. Hard times for the schools to come to the public for more money, money which is tacked right onto our property taxes.

There is a vocal group working against passage of the levy. They tend to work against any additional taxes, regardless of the intended use or the benefit to the greater populace. Then there are the senior citizens who reason that "I no longer have kids in the schools", or "I'm on a fixed income and can't afford more taxes". Or those with kids in parochial schools who feel they're already paying enough for something they feel doesn't benefit them.

Here's the bottom line: I just can't walk into that voting booth and vote against a school levy. The newspaper likes to point out in every article on the subject that the owner of a $100,000 home will pay an additional $243 dollars on their property taxes if the levy passes. I don't know if that is intended to show how little it will cost the average homeowner or to scare them by showing how much it will cost them. Either way, it's going to cost the "average" homeowner about $.66 a day. We all waste more than that every day on crap we don't need.

As I pointed out, the schools aren't, in measurable terms, doing a great job. But I know that there are individual students who are striving, who do want to learn, who will be productive members of society. They deserve the chance. I know that somebody paid the freight for me to get a good public school education; now it's my turn to pay it back.

2011-11-06T03:30:00.000-05:00

You Can Stick Your Global Economy

2011-11-04T03:30:00.000-04:00

Seriously, everybody who knew Greece used the Euro as its' currency raise their hand. I didn't know until this week. When was the last time you thought about Greece? I mean other than every summer when the local Greek Orthodox Church has its' annual Panegyri Festival. I don't even think of Greece as being part of Europe; they're just sort of out there somewhere, important centuries ago but not so much since.

Well, it seems the modern Greeks have been on a spending spree. With money they don't have, borrowing a lot of it and now unable to pay it back. That one fact may be enough to send the global economy into another tailspin. The Greeks can't pay their debts, can't pay pensions and are faced with imposing strict austerity measures on the populace. Needless to say, the populace is unhappy. Most drunken sailors are the morning after. And the morning after always comes.

The head honchos in France and Germany thought they had a deal worked out to salvage the whole mess until the Greek prime minister went rogue and decided to let his countrymen vote on the deal. He now seems to be having second thoughts about that one.

So here we sit, watching out 401K's and IRA's, never giving a second thought to a place like Greece. Now they're about to stick it up our collective asses.

Halloween Wrap Up

2011-11-03T03:30:00.000-04:00

By The Big Guy

Senior Contributor

Yes, yes I know we’vemoved on. The pumpkins and the black cats and the skeletons and the naughtyballerina costumes have been put away and you’re already busily decorating thehouse for Armistice Day. But if I don’t get this stuff out right now I’llforget about it in eleven months when I am once again looking forward togreeting the kiddies on All Hallows’ Eve.

Homeowners, if you’regoing to give out Halloween treats, then get serious about it. Kids want candybars like Snickers and Milky Way and Kit Kat and M&Ms and Skittles. If youare giving out popcorn balls or lovely, homemade, hand-decorated pumpkincookies you need to be slapped. Those things have gone the way of the “nice”apple. Two doors down they become squirrel food. Do you think this is a damnDickens novel? Candy! And none of that bite size crap either, not that you haveto upgrade to the regulation full size either. The fun size is quite adequateand there is nothing wrong with telling a kid he can take two, especially whenit starts getting late.

Parents, you know Idon’t really mind if you’re going to drive your kids to a neighborhood otherthan your own because the candy is better or the houses are closer together oryour brother lives there or whatever. What I do mind is when I see youfollowing your kids up and down streets from the comfort of your Escalade. Getyour fat ass out of that truck and walk with your kids, okay?

And hey kids, how aboutonce you get to high school you turn over trick-or-treating to the little ones?Nobody likes to see a bunch of sixteen year olds who aren’t even carrying theobligatory bag asking for free candy bars and making up lame jokes about howthey’re dressed up as a teenager or a hoodie model or a naughty ballerina. Notfunny. Hasn’t been funny since before you were born.

Oh, and city administrators,if you’re going to establish official hours for the house crawl, three hours isplenty. Four o’clock until seven should be just fine thank you. If you want tomake people man their front doors from 3 to 8 it ought to at least come withhealth benefits…or a nice bottle of red wine.

Okay, let’s considerthese pointers to live by for next year. And now I am off to Home Depot to pickup those Armistice Day decorations I mentioned. I understand they have a giantinflatable replica of President Wilson for the front lawn.

Hero Of The Week

2011-11-02T03:30:00.000-04:00

Army Sgt. Keelan L. Moss
Age: 23
2nd Battalion
5th Field Artillery Regiment
Died 2 November, 2003
Fallujah, Iraq

It's Called Doggy Style For A Reason

2011-11-01T03:30:00.000-04:00

A man in South Memphis, TN had a shock recently when he looked out his back window. He observed what he later called "unusual activity" involving his neighbor's German Shepherd, Adam. The man was so incredulous at what he saw that he called another neighbor and asked him to look out and see if he saw the same thing. The second neighbor confirmed the suspicions of the first witness.

What the first witness saw was Kimberly Lawson feed Adam from a plate and then "pull his pants down, get on his knees and allow the dog to mount him and have sex." In fact, he saw the dog mount Mr. Lawson three times within the hour. Mr. Lawson was arrested and charged with criminal offense against an animal. He is being held on $7,500 bond.

Adam's owner, Caroline Morris says she thought something was going on with the dog because he had "been behaving oddly and has had a lot of energy." Maybe the moral of the story is not to name your son "Kimberly".

What Do You Think

2011-10-31T03:30:00.000-04:00

This came to me in an email. It sounds reasonable. Is it?

Congressional Reform Act of 2011

1. No Tenure / No Pension.

A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.

2. Congress (past, present and future) participates in Social
Security.

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.

4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.

6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.

7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.

Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.

Enjoy The View

2011-10-30T03:30:00.000-04:00

When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

2011-10-28T03:30:00.000-04:00

Saturday, Nov. 12, 2011 at 8:00 a.m. I am signed up for a Basic Handgun Safety Class. The class lasts 2 hours and will cover handgun safety and includes time on the range for practical experience. I have not yet decided to buy a gun. I will take this course, probably the 2 hour Advanced Course and then decide.

This is not a choice I approach lightly. The first and last weapon I fired was a .22 rifle when I was a Boy Scout, some 50 years ago. To be honest, I've always been afraid of guns. Fear born of ignorance; I don't know how to handle a gun. I plan on this course alleviating my fears. I will learn how to safely handle, load, fire and clear a weapon.

My motivation is the state of our immediate neighborhood. We have already had one neighbor in a nearby four family building arrested for dealing drugs. Now we see another tenant in a different four family down the block who has people coming and going at all hours, people standing below his window calling for him and cars pulling in and out of the building lot like it's the pits at Indy.

I don't like the looks of some of the people I see hanging around or walking by. They may be perfectly innocent, but I can tell you they are not friendly; many will not return a simple "hello" from me and some just glare at me. It all gives me an uneasy feeling. If anyone should get the idea that we're easy prey, I would just as soon be prepared. We've been in our home for 18 years. We've made a lot of improvements. It's paid for. We're not going to be intimidated into moving.

I'll report back on my hand gun instruction experience. I think you can tell I'm already leaning towards having a gun. I'd like to hear the thoughts of the regulars here.